


(All's Fair) In Love and War

by tasteofshapes



Category: Bleach
Genre: Background Relationships, Bets & Wagers, But not in the way you'd think, F/M, Fandom Culture, Fluff and Humor, Naughty Touching, Not Canon Compliant, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Romance, Sabotage, Shipping, Shipping wars, also if you say anything bad about yumi he will kill you, background ikkaku/yumichika, but sometimes he likes to fuck things up, early bleach days, gross misuse and misunderstanding of commonly said phrases, ikkaku's not an idiot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2020-10-28 02:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20771312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tasteofshapes/pseuds/tasteofshapes
Summary: Mizuiro laughs at him. “That’s not a love triangle,” he says dismissively.“Wanna bet on that,” Keigo says, and that is the exact moment when the Karakura High School Shipping Club bursts into existence. “I’ll bet you a lunch that says that Kuchiki Rukia is going to get her heart broken.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt ask by @blacklungfetus: "Ichigo’s schoolmates as Bleach shippers. Everybody has an opinion who he should end up with. Factions are formed. Wars are started. And/Or: Ichigo’s schoolmates start a betting pool on who he’ll end up with. Some try to influence the outcome. (Other side bets (eg. IsH) may be made and interfered with too.)"

Asano Keigo is normally not what you would call an observant person, but even he sees the change that happens the year that the new transfer student arrives. Somehow, Ichigo gets sucked into her orbit immediately - unfriendly, unobservant Ichigo, who doesn’t even know some of the names of his own classmates, who doesn’t talk to any girl except Tatsuki (and even then, only sparingly), somehow becomes Kuchiki Rukia’s friend. It happens so suddenly that Keigo doesn’t even know how it started - from the moment she showed up, Ichigo seemed to attach himself to her like a barnacle, frowning unhappily throughout, but somehow unwilling to leave her side. 

It’s a shock when Ichigo brings her along to the rooftop for their usual boys-only lunch on her very first day in school. “This is Kuchiki Rukia,” is all he says grumpily before sitting down, and ignores Keigo and Mizuiro as they proceed to clutch each other and quietly freak out. Chad just nods at her as if this was something that happened every day. 

Rukia smiles sweetly at all of them as she eats her onigiri, and she’s friendly and pretty and by the end of lunch Mizuiro takes a liking to her, despite his self-proclaimed preference for older women, and they chat away happily about food. That’s when Keigo learns that Rukia originally lived overseas. Where exactly from, she doesn’t say, and Keigo doesn’t get a chance to find out because Ichigo hovers protectively over her and keeps cutting into conversation every time the topic is brought up.

After that, there’s a noticeable change in the fabric of their classroom dynamics. The girls eye Rukia quizzically, exchange whispered rumours about her, but they’re not unfriendly or mean, merely curious. Now that Ichigo has a proper female friend, he’s somehow more approachable despite the semi-permanent scowl, and Keigo doesn’t miss how half of the girls in their class start eyeing Ichigo speculatively. He (deliberately) listens in on conversations about how muscular Kurosaki-kun is getting, and how he’s quite cute, despite how fierce he looks, and tries not to go into shock each time it happens. 

_It’s **Ichigo**_, Keigo wants to scream, _he has a face that would scare the devil and are you all crazy?_ But he can’t deny that there’s something about Rukia that seems to soften Ichigo, somehow.

And so their strange friendship continues. They’re always together, always exchanging looks, always making up some strange excuse to disappear together somewhere. Keigo would have thought that they were secretly dating, except that Ichigo turned so red and choked so violently on his juice when Mizuiro innocently asked if they were that the boys know they’re not.

“So, still a virgin then?” Mizuiro says slyly, and Ichigo’s face changes from beet red to darkly murderous. Even Chad takes a step back as Ichigo gets to his feet.

“Just checking!” Mizuiro says, and skips off quickly before Ichigo can sufficiently recover from his coughing fit to grab him and kill him.

But they’re not normal friends, Keigo decides, after the hundredth time that Rukia’s phone goes off, right before class starts. Rukia and Ichigo exchange another meaningful look. He watches interestedly to see what flimsy excuse they’ll come up with this time, and is rewarded with Ichigo blabbering on about having another stomache and Rukia nodding along and announcing loudly that she’ll take up the burden of accompanying him to the nurse’s office. 

Dimly, Keigo recalls that they used that same excuse last week. The rest of the class is bemused as the two of them slip out the door. Inoue Orihime wonders aloud why Kurosaki-kun seems to be falling sick so easily nowadays, but no one else bothers to give them a second glance.

“He’s a strange person, Orihime,” Tatsuki says, patting her on the head, “don’t worry so much about it.” And so that’s that.

Then Rukia disappears one week before summer break. Keigo doesn’t understand it. There’s an empty desk where she used to sit and Ichigo comes to school looking devastated and pale, but everyone behaves as if nothing strange is happening, as if Rukia hadn’t existed at all. 

Keigo plays along with the rest, but there’s a cold feeling at the back of his neck that doesn’t go away. Ichigo looks strangely bereft without Rukia by his side, and Keigo keeps checking for her out of habit. He doesn’t get a chance to talk to anyone about it. 

Ichigo’s in such a bad mood that no one dares to talk to him except Chad and that quiet, speccy guy, Ishida Uryu, and then the week passes by in a flash, and suddenly everyone who was originally supposed to go on the beach trip inexplicably drops out. Keigo is left wailing and furious, and forgets about everything else in the face of his own personal tragedy. 

“I was promised girls! Girls in _bikinis_!” He yells, and has to be dragged away by Mizuiro before he spontaneously combusts from frustration. The summer ends up sucking.

Then summer ends and school begins, and Ichigo comes back happier and decidedly more muscular, and, to add insult to injury, somehow becomes firm friends with Orihime and Uryu. They form a little circle of four, including Chad, and Keigo can’t make any sense of it.

“Did you all secretly go away together,” he demands.

Orihime says, “well, actually,” and Keigo notes with interest as both Chad and Ichigo suddenly cut in and starts talking over her. 

Class starts, and he doesn’t get a chance to question them further, but no one can miss how Orihime keeps turning from her seat to beam happily at Ichigo. A whisper starts to ripple around the class about the two of them. Ichigo is, as usual, completely clueless. He flips through his textbook, and something on one of the pages catches his attention, because he breaks into a small smile. Ichigo gazes down at whatever it is for a long moment - Keigo cranes his neck to try and peek from a desk away, but it’s just scribbles - and he completely misses Orihime’s dazzling smile, or Uryu and Chizuru’s twin glares of hatred.

_What an idiot_, Keigo thinks, but whatever further thoughts he might have on that matter is abruptly cut short when _another_ new student turns up. This one has blond hair and sly eyes and makes strange facial expressions, and is decidedly much less cuter than Rukia. Keigo hates him on sight, especially since the new student hugs Orihime as casually as if he has known her all his life.

The yells of outrage by the male students are drowned out only by Chizuru, who flies into a jealous fury and has to be restrained by the girls as she screams out obscenities and death threats. The entire class is in an uproar, and Ichigo immediately leaps into action and forcefully pulls the new student off Orihime. His expression is grim and furious, and Keigo doesn’t miss the way that Ichigo’s grip goes white-knuckled and tight as he drags the new student out of the classroom. Keigo thinks that maybe Ichigo isn’t so hopeless after all.

Ichigo returns a while later, alone and unhappy, and whatever lightness there was has abruptly vanished. The new student doesn’t come back, and everyone settles uneasily back into the routine of the day. There’s a tension lingering in the air that Keigo can’t explain, but it makes him nervous. 

Then Orihime doesn’t come to school for a week, and Ichigo’s mood takes a sudden nosedive. He becomes distant and moody, and Keigo doesn’t like this new version of Ichigo, who goes around with a haunted look in his eyes, and a tightness to his jaw that wasn’t there before. When Orihime finally returns, she’s all bandaged up. There’s a forced cheeriness about her, and Ichigo spends the whole day moping, looking guilty and worried, but they don’t talk.

_Interesting_, Keigo thinks, but he has no further insights on what the hell is going on, and he makes a mental note to corner Chad and grill the truth out of him later. Then the classroom door slides open and these five “students” wearing their school uniform walk in. Everyone goes quiet and gapes at them.

“Where’s Kurosaki Ichigo,” the bald one demands, and Ichigo shoots up from his seat like he’s just been stung.

“What the hell-” he starts, and then there are shocked gasps and cries from the front of the class. 

Keigo spins around in his seat and there’s Rukia, standing on the windowsill, outlined against the sun, and their classroom is _four stories up_ and _how did she get there _and _what the hell is going on_? His head is spinning from so many things happening at once, and then Rukia’s kicking Ichigo in the face and dragging him out of the class and Ichigo’s yelling something that Keigo can’t make out. He does not understand what is happening. 

Then one of the new transfer students - the girl with a chest larger than Orihime’s - introduces herself to the class and bows, and Keigo thinks he might die from shock as he gets a generous flash of her ample bosom, he has a weak heart and _oh my god is she wearing a push-up bra?_

Keigo’s mind goes blank and he is delirious with joy as he flings himself across the classroom to greet her, and promptly gets punched in the face. He doesn’t mind; the Goddess herself touched him, and he feels incredibly lucky that out of the entire male population, _he _got to feel her skin against his.

The rest of the day passes by in a daze. No one else seems to find it strange that these new students are clearly _older than them_, one of them has _tattoos_ for god’s sake, and Keigo thinks he might really go mad from all the internal screaming. He comforts himself by gazing adoringly at His Goddess Matsumoto Rangiku, and composes drippy love poems to her in his head.

On the other hand, Ichigo is ridiculously happy to have Rukia back. He doesn’t smile once, but his entire demeanour just radiates _joy_. Something has clearly happened between Ichigo, Rukia, and Orihime, because whatever weird energy there was between Ichigo and Orihime has abruptly dissipated, and that’s when it finally strikes Keigo.

He stops eating when the epiphany hits, his mouth full of half-chewed food. “Oh my god,” he whispers aloud, awestruck by his own revelation, “It’s a _love triangle.”_ He mentally pats himself on the back for coming to that realisation himself. 

“I’m a love expert,” he says happily, and it’s just an unfortunate coincidence that Mizuiro happens to overhear that last part. 

It’s just the two of them for lunch today, and their voices echo across the empty rooftop. Chad and Ichigo had both given vague excuses and disappeared somewhere, and it’s been happening often enough that Keigo doesn’t even feel the sting of being left out anymore; just accepts it as part of the process of growing up, and waits for the inevitable day when Mizuiro will outgrow him too.

But now: “Says the person who hasn’t even been on a date,” Mizuiro says rudely, taking a sip of his Coke. 

Keigo waves the insult away as if it were a fly. “Dating is insignificant,” he says loftily, “it’s meaningless until you can decipher what really goes on in a person’s heart.”

“_What_?” Mizuiro says. “Did Matsumoto-san punch you too hard in the head? What fresh nonsense are you babbling on about now?”

Keigo shakes his head pityingly. “Haven’t you noticed?” he says. “The _love triangle_ in our class.”

Mizuiro raises an eyebrow. “You mean between the yakuza, the baldie, and the guy with the feathers glued to his face? Because I know everyone thinks there’s sexual tension there, but that’s not a love triangle.”

“What? _No!_ Between Ichigo and Inoue and Rukia-san!” 

Mizuiro laughs at him. “That’s not a love triangle either,” he says dismissively.

“Is too!”

“It’s not! That’s just a girl waiting to get her heart broken.”

Keigo seizes on that. “Ah-ha! The question is, _which girl_?” He taps the side of his nose knowingly at Mizuiro. 

Mizuiro snorts. “That’s obvious. It’s Inoue Orihime.”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Wanna bet on that,” Keigo says, and that is the exact moment when the Karakura High School Shipping Club bursts into existence. “I’ll bet you a lunch that says that Kuchiki Rukia is going to get her heart broken.”

“Oh, you’re going to regret that,” Mizuiro says gleefully, and quickly shakes Keigo’s hand firmly, sealing the deal. “Rukia-san is more likely to break Ichigo’s bones than let him break her heart_. _Ok, we’ll need to set some ground rules.”

“Eh?” Keigo says blankly. “Rules?” 

Mizuiro continues on as if he had never spoken. “One, this bet does not exist, because if Ichigo finds out that we’re placing bets on his love life, he will kill us. Two, helping Ichigo open his eyes to the possibilities in front of him is permitted, except that we can’t physically endanger anyone’s lives in the process. No pushing Rukia-san in front of a car to help Inoue win by default. Three, we’ll need a time limit. Shall we say.... a month?”

“A month?!” Keigo says, starting to panic. A month is four weeks. That’s thirty days. He doesn’t know if that’s going to be enough time to convince Ichigo that he’s in love with Orihime. 

“I wonder what kind of expensive lunch I’ll make you pay for when I win,” Mizuiro muses, smiling, and Keigo’s eyes narrow competitively as he looks back at Mizuiro, his mind racing with ideas.

He’s going to need a lot of help if he’s only got thirty days to work with. Keigo has to recruit.

  


* * *

  


He starts with Chad first. They’re in the boys’ bathroom when Keigo says, “Chad, you and Inoue are friends, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Chad says. He politely doesn’t look up from where he stands at the sink, washing his hands.

“And as her friend, don’t you feel that it’s your duty to let Ichigo know that she likes him? Don’t you think it is our duty _as horny high school boys _to let Ichigo know that he’s got a shot with her?”

“No,” Chad says. Keigo waits, but Chad doesn’t elaborate; just turns off the tap and starts drying his hands. 

“Okay, well, what if there were a group of people who were going to set Ichigo and Inoue up? Would you join forces with them for the greater good?”

“Who’s in the group?” 

“Erm, me,” Keigo says, zipping up his pants. He joins Chad at the sinks, and Chad turns to him, frowning.

“One person is not a group.”

Keigo flaps a soapy hand at Chad dismissively. “That’s a minor detail! Anyway, I’m recruiting. We are fans who ship in support of Inoue Orihime and Kurosaki Ichigo, the one true pairing, and against Ichigo and Rukia! We are -” he pauses, thinking furiously, “- we are the _Origos_! And we demand that Ichigo and Inoue get together! In _exactly_ one month’s time!”

Chad winces. “That’s an awful name. Don’t let Ichigo hear that or he’ll figure out what it means and kill you.”

“Yeah, I’m not planning to.” Keigo says. He’s dumb, but he’s not suicidal. “Well? Can I count on your support? Origo fans, _unite_!”

“Sounds fun, I’m in,” a third voice says, and Keigo whips his head around in horror as the bathroom door opens behind him and Baldie walks out. He smirks at Keigo through the mirror as he strolls up to the sinks, and nudges Keigo aside to begin washing his hands.

“Ack.” Keigo says faintly. He’s dead. So dead. He starts mentally preparing his own funeral.

“So, what’cha calling this? Origo, was it?” Baldie says, chuckling as Keigo’s face turns a deep red in embarrassment. “Ya do know that ain’t gonna happen right? But whatever, I like a challenge, and I’ll get to piss off Ichigo _and_ that stupid Quincy in the process. Win, win, win! Oh hey, so is this what Taichou means when he says three birds, one stone?” He looks immensely pleased with himself.

There’s the sound of the toilet flushing, and then _another_ bathroom door opens and Feathers walks out. “It’s _two_ birds, Ikkaku. The saying is two birds, one stone.”

“Ack!” Keigo says again. He has to grip the counter for support because his legs have turned to jelly and seriously, all he needs now is for the Yakuza to pop up and then he’ll be well and truly on his way to the grave. 

“Also, your ship name is bad and you should feel bad.” Feathers tells Keigo severely, and Keigo doesn’t know whether to be in fear for his life or be outraged that these two assholes are laughing at him. “Why not call it IchiHime? That’s much nicer.” 

Keigo decides right there and then that he’s sticking to Origo out of spite and that they’ll change the ship name _over his dead body_. He glances over at Chad, who is just watching the proceedings calmly. He nodded to Baldie and Feathers when they appeared and they nodded back at him, so it seems like they’re friends, only Keigo can’t wrap his head around when _that_ could have happened. 

And since they’re not threatening to beat him up, Keigo forges ahead with a singular aim: “so, can Ship Origo count on your support?”

“Nah,” Feathers says, at the exact same time that Baldie says, “Fine.”

“Oh come on, Yumi!” Baldie says, as Feathers shoots him an incredulous look. “I’m _bored_! At least this will give us something to do!”

Feathers sniffs disdainfully. “I don’t play for the losing team,” he says. “Who ships Ichigo Rukia?”

“Mizuiro,” Keigo says, frowning. There’s a niggling worm of doubt that maybe he’s going to lose after all, because everyone seems to see something between Ichigo and Rukia that he can’t. _But it’s Inoue_, his brain screams. Her ample bosom would have been the Eighth Wonder of the World if Matsumoto-san hadn’t turned up, and how can any red-blooded high school boy resist that?

“Point him out to me,” Feathers orders. “And hopefully they have a better ship name than_ Origo_.” He shudders in exaggerated disgust. 

“Don’t worry, Renji will definitely join our ship,” Baldie tells Keigo comfortingly, except that Keigo isn’t at all happy at the thought of having the Yakuza on his side. 

“Great,” he mutters, and Baldie slaps him on the back. It’s meant to be a friendly gesture, only it leaves Keigo sputtering and wincing in pain because Baldie is buff and he doesn’t hold back.

“That’s the spirit! Now, go recruit more people and then we’ll call a meeting and strategise.”

  


* * *

  


By the end of the day, half of the class finds out about the ongoing shipping war, and factions are formed and sides are taken. They end up staying back after school, after the key parties have all left for the day, and the classroom descends into a war zone as arguments break out over which is the more compatible couple. Then Baldie finds out that they’re fighting over a _lunch_, and laughs at all of them.

“Y’all can’t be serious,” Baldie says - _Ikkaku_, Keigo can’t keep calling him Baldie in his head because he knows one day he’ll accidentally blurt that out and then he’ll die for real. Ikkaku looks scornfully around the class. “Get outta here with that high school shit.”

“They _are_ in high school,” Renji says. Then he quickly corrects himself, looking slightly panicked, “We! I mean, _we_ are in high school.” 

No one looks convinced, and Ikkaku scowls. “Shut it, Abarai.”

Ikkaku makes everyone present cough up money, and writes their name and ship neatly down into a little book and makes them countersign against their entry. No one resists, because he presents an intimidating figure as he taps a wooden sword menacingly against his shoulder as he goes around to each person and shakes a collection bag at them.

“This is extortion,” someone grumbles softly from the back.

“Ikkaku’s not above extortion and or violence,” Yumichika says, bored. He’s sitting on the teacher’s desk, legs crossed and examining his reflection in a hand mirror. “And neither am I.” He snaps the mirror closed and flashes a cold smile around. 

After that, no one dares to say anything.

“This was _not_ part of the plan,” Mizuiro says, once the collection is done and Ikkaku has a bag full of money and a satisfied grin on his face. He crosses his arms in annoyance, and glares at Keigo.

“You said we could get help! So... I did?”

“I said we could help _Ichigo_,” Mizuiro says. He sighs. “Well, I suppose the upside is that Ichigo can’t possibly slaughter all of us once he finds out about this. He’ll have to pick someone to beat up, and I’m pretty sure I can run faster than you.”

“Hey!” Keigo says.

Mizuiro ignores him and turns to their sullen classmates. He claps his hands, getting their attention, and says, “Alright, now that the unpleasant extortion is over, welcome to the first meeting of the Karakura High School Shipping Club.” He repeats the ground rules and lays out the time frame, and finishes with, “and may the best ship win. Remember, we’re doing it for the money!” 

“For the money!” The class echoes, and then they all break out into cheers.

And so this is how Karakura High School's first shipping war begins. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just to explain that this took longer than expected due to a bad case of the writer's block, which I am (hopefully) now past. I've read and enjoyed all your theories and comments on what you think these adorable idiots will do next, so keep 'em coming!
> 
> Also, a warning for non-consensual female on female groping in this chapter.

At first, everything starts off friendly. The shippers exchange pleasant banter, and watch the three key players like a hawk, dissecting their every move and gesture. Theories are spun over whether Ichigo is in love with Rukia by the way he offers to share his textbook with her when she forgets to bring hers, and whether Orihime is pining over a broken heart in the way she watches them, huddled over Ichigo’s desk.

The two of them are arguing as usual - “stop hogging the book, Ichigo!” and “The book has to stay on this side of the table, otherwise you’ll start drawing Chappys on it again” - friendly banter, some would say, only they’re so fixated on each other that they don’t notice anything else. 

There’s a tiny frown at the corner of Orihime’s mouth when she looks away from them, gaze lowered. Then Rukia says something to Orihime about how “Chappy brightens up a dull page, isn’t that right Orihime”, and she turns, face bright once again, and nods in agreement. 

“Girls.” Ichigo just throws up his hands in defeat against the onslaught of their joined forces, and Rukia laughs. Orihime smiles too, tentatively at first, then more warmly when Ichigo glances at her. Startled, he nods back, and then is distracted by Rukia idly beginning a doodle of a tiny Chappy on a corner of the page.

“Oie, _what did I just say_,” he says, and then the cycle begins again.

The rest of the class erupts into furious whispers of _did you see how close Ichigo and Rukia are_ and _Rukia and Orihime are just pretending to be friendly_, which only subsides when Uryu turns around and shoots his classmates a quelling glare.

And so things continue on in this vein. It becomes this strange trio of Ichigo, Rukia and Orihime, and the speculation surrounding the three of them becomes more and more intense, while the gossip grows more and more outrageous. No one believes that Rukia and Orihime are friends, although the girls are clearly on friendly terms. Slowly, they form their own little friendship, which everyone dismisses as a cover in order to get to know their love rival better. 

And then the first week inches to a close without any grand declarations of love from any party, and everyone starts to grow restless.

“What the hell is taking Ichigo so long,” Kunieda Ryo says impatiently, flicking her long hair behind one shoulder as they watch Ichigo head off for lunch with Chad and the other boys yet again, leaving Rukia and Orihime behind to push two tables together as they set up for a girls’ lunch, “he’s got two girls that he constantly hangs out with and he isn’t attracted to either? Is he emotionally stunted or something?”

“Well,” Tatsuki says, shrugging, “he _is_ a teenage boy. They’re all a bit stupid by default.”

“This is not satisfactory,” Ryo says grimly. “Come on, let’s get to work.”

“Work? Wait, what,” Tatsuki says, but Ryo is already stalking towards where the girls are laying out their bento boxes. 

“May I join you?” She asks, and is warmly welcomed into their little circle. Tatsuki follows suit, bemused, but Ryo isn’t second in their entire year for nothing. She drills Rukia politely the whole time, asking innocuous questions in-between bites of her onigiri, and manages to extract the information that Rukia’s staying with Ichigo’s family. The reason for this is never made entirely clear, but it doesn’t matter. The secret is out.

“Oh,” Ryo breathes, eyes gleaming, and Tatsuki makes a mental note never to get on Ryo’s bad side. The girl is sharp, has the brains, and knows how to harness the power of the gossip hive to her advantage.

By the end of lunch, the word gets out amongst the class about Rukia’s living arrangements, and suddenly, the IchiRuki ship surges ahead. The balance is thrown off, and all the IchiRuki shippers (and Chizuru, who is the only one who ships Chihime, and therefore joins the IchiRuki ship by default) walk around, triumphant and smug, while the Origos close ranks and mutter unhappily amongst themselves. 

Then the last bell rings, signalling the end of the day. The classroom is busy with chatter as the students pack up and leave; the corridors beginning to fill up with people. Ichigo and Rukia are talking in low voices, their bodies turned to each other, and are completely oblivious as to why half of their classmates are beaming at them in pure joy, while the other half are glaring at them in pure despair. That might have continued being the status quo, except that Chizuru comes up and unexpectedly hugs Rukia from behind. 

“Good job, Rukia-chan,” Chizuru says happily, and also takes the chance to cope a blatant feel, because Chizuru is a pervert and an equal opportunity breast woman who likes them in all shapes and sizes. She manages to startle a squeak out of Rukia - which is just _delightful_; who knew Rukia could sound like that - and which is totally worth the sharp elbow jab that Chizuru receives to the stomach. 

Rukia spins around in her seat, ready to follow that up with a punch, and pauses when she sees Chizuru doubled up in pain.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Rukia says, confused, but she also immediately crosses her arms protectively over her chest. “I thought you were that perverted guy!”

“What?” Chizuru and Ichigo say at the same time, and then Chizuru looks over at Ichigo, astounded, and says, “_him? HAS HE BEEN TOUCHING YOU IN THE NAUGHTY PLACES?_”

“What?” Ichigo stares in offended amazement, more than a little insulted at the accusation. “I have not! And what guy?” 

Chizuru doesn’t buy his innocent act for one second. First he monopolises all of Orihime’s attention, and now, not content with that, he has introduced innocent Rukia-san to the world of naughty touching? Men are beasts; manipulative, horny beasts! 

Rukia blinks at them both. “Er,” she says, puzzled by their twin expressions of outrage - never mind that their outrage is for completely different reasons. “There was a senior who tried to corner me, but he backed away after I told him he would lose a few fingers if he didn’t get his hand off my arm.”

Chizuru stares at Rukia with new respect, while Ichigo breathes out slowly and stands up. “What’s his name,” he says murderously, and Chizuru could have sworn that for a second, _just for a second_, there was a flash of orange in his eyes. “If you don’t know his name, describe what he looks like.”

“Japanese, black hair, wore a school uniform that looks just like yours,” Rukia says unhelpfully, rolling her eyes. “Honestly, Ichigo, you’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

“That describes all of the guys in the senior class!”

“It doesn’t matter!” Rukia flaps an impatient hand at him. “It was one guy, and I can take care of myself. Stop fussing!”

“I’m not,” Ichigo says, but he sits down grumpily, scowling all the same.

“You have bigger problems to worry about,” Rukia says softly, and he huffs out his breath in annoyance, but he doesn’t argue. 

They go back to talking in quiet tones, and just like that a barrier comes down and they’re lost in their own world again. They don’t notice Chizuru leaving to find her precious Hime, or their classmates hanging onto the edge of their seats, or the two Shinigamis watching the scene unfold from the back of the class.

“You’re going to lose,” Yumichika sings softly into Ikkaku’s ear, and is rewarded for his efforts by Ikkaku scowling back at him. 

“We knew that she was staying with him from the start! And his reaction is completely normal! This ain’t a surprise, Yumi!”

“Isn’t it?” Yumichika just smirks at him and floats away happily. Ikkaku narrows his eyes. 

  


* * *

  


Ikkaku finds Rangiku where Hitsugaya-taichou left her while he went off to deal with some unexpected Hollows nearby: impatiently waiting by the school gates, and ignoring all the passing glances from the high school boys who are far too intimidated by her self-confidence to do anything more than admire her from a distance. 

“No, Ikkaku,” Rangiku says again, exasperated. She has her arms crossed over her chest, one foot tapping out an irregular rhythm as she watches the steady flow of students walking out of the school gates. Toshiro is still nowhere in sight. “I’m not getting involved in your stupid bet. As it stands, you already owe me for keeping taichou distracted and occupied these last few days. Do you know how much trouble we’ll all be in if he finds out about this?”

Ikkaku waves her last statement away. “_You’ll_ be in trouble,” he corrects. “We’re from the Eleventh; what’cha think we do for fun? We have betting pools about everything, and taichou don’t give a shit about lil’ things like this as long as we win. ”

Rangiku cocks a skeptical eyebrow as she looks at him. “And will you win? You do know the odds you’re up against, right? I don't think Ichigo even notices Orihime, much less realises the depth of her feelings for him. I don’t think she stands a chance.”

“Which is where you come in.” Rangiku doesn’t look convinced. “Look, I’m not askin’ ya to do anything drastic. Just... help her out a lil’, that’s all. Help her out enough to win. I’ve got money riding on this.”

“Well,” Rangiku says tartly, “win your money without getting me involved. It’s unkind, Ikkaku. You’re just setting Orihime up to get her heart broken.”

“Actually,” Ikkaku says slowly, scratching his head, “the way I see it, if ya ain’t gonna help, then there’s a hundred percent certainty she’ll _definitely_ get her heart broken. At least with some help she’ll stand a fighting chance.” He shrugs blandly at Rangiku. “Anyway, just thought I’d ask."

There’s a long silence that he waits out, because Ikkaku has known Rangiku for a very long time now, and he knows she has a soft spot for helpless, hopeless people in love. After all, he was one of those helpless lovesick fools once, and she talked him through it. 

Sure enough, Rangiku lets out a frustrated growl and throws her hands into the air. “Arrghh! Fine! What do you want me to do?”

  


* * *

  


Orihime comes to school the next day wearing a bit of makeup that emphasizes her eyes and her rosy cheeks. She looks both uncomfortable and faintly hopeful as she greets Ichigo cheerfully in the morning, but he’s a million miles away and lost in the tangle of his own thoughts. He doesn't even look at her properly as he gives her a cursory reply, and Orihime's face falls.

Three rows away, Uryu is watching their interaction through narrowed eyes, because unlike Ichigo, _he _has eyes (and the added benefit of knowing what's going on). When Orihime passes by his desk later on in the day, he stops her and makes it a point to tell her quietly that _he_ thinks that she looks great, and her answering smile is so grateful that Uryu can't help but hate Ichigo a little bit more for what the fool is throwing away.

The day ends with Ichigo barely even glancing in Orihime's direction, and Ikkaku and Renji both seek Rangiku out after school ends, exasperated.

“I thought you were gonna help,” Ikkaku accuses, and Rangiku rolls her eyes.

“I am,” she says. “It’s not my fault if the kid lacks the libido of a normal high school boy. Look, Ikkaku, I don’t think this is going to work.”

“It will,” Renji says, with quiet determination. “It has to.”

They stand in front of her with their arms crossed, united in their stubbornness, and Rangiku shakes her head at them in exasperation. “Alright,” she sighs,” I’ll try again.”

The next day, Orihime comes to school wearing false eyelashes that make her eyes look huge, tinted lip gloss that draws attention to her mouth, and the top two buttons of her uniform undone. The girls all do a double-take, eyes wide, while the guys stare openly, jaws agape.

Chizuru flings herself upon Orihime almost immediately, crying with happiness. “Who is responsible for this beautiful makeover, O-ri-hi-me-chan!” Chizuru wraps her arms around Orihime and squeezes her like an octopus squeezing its prey, and Tatsuki has to intervene when Chizuru won’t let go. She pries Chizuru off finger by finger while Keigo loudly and shamelessly complains that that’s complete harassment, and has Chizuru no respect for other womens’ boundaries?

“Have you actually learnt from the error of your ways, or do you just wish that was you,” Mizuiro asks, and Keigo quickly shushes him.

Even Renji, my-dedication-to-Rukia-is-eternal Renji, isn’t above giving Orihime a long appreciative look as she fights her way out of Chizuru’s grip, although Rangiku pretty much puts a stop to that when she smacks him on the back of his head and says, “close your mouth, Abarai!”

Then Ichigo comes in, making a beeline for his desk. He looks preoccupied, as he usually does most mornings, and doesn’t even glance over at the knot of activity going on at the side of the classroom. Tatsuki and Uryu combine forces and finally manage to prise Chizuru’s octopus fingers off Orihime, and Rangiku hurriedly helps her adjust her uniform that’s gone all askew. Then all activity pretty much ceases as the class prepares popcorn and sits back to watch the show.

Orihime ignores all of them, ignores all the stares and the whispers as she walks up to Ichigo from behind and taps him lightly on his shoulder. “Good morning, Kurosaki-kun,” she says cheerfully. Just as Rangiku instructed, she leans forward slightly, clasping her hands behind her back. 

_Maximum impact_, Rangiku had said, _he won’t know what hit him_. Orihime wasn’t sure that was the look she wanted and had said so, but Rangiku had waved all that aside with a _you’ll thank me later_. And then she had mumbled something under her breath about Ikkaku that Orihime hadn’t been able to catch.

Ichigo turns around and comes face to face with Orihime’s chest. “Morn- ahhhhhh!” He gets a good eyeful of the generous curves of her breasts for a long, shocked second before his hands fly up as if to cover his face. At the last moment, he quickly runs his hands through his hair instead, averting his gaze. “Oh. Uh. Huh. Inoue.” 

Ichigo’s face is completely red. From across the classroom, Renji and Ikkaku break into quiet snickers, while Rangiku silently congratulates herself on a job well done.

“Are you okay, Kurosaki-kun,” Orihime says, frowning slightly in concern when Ichigo continues to avoid looking at her. He nods mutely, face still red, and stares up at the ceiling, focusing with an intensity as if he could find God hidden amongst the fluorescent lights.

This was not how Orihime expected things to go. She tries again: “have you done the science homework? I was really confused by question 2, what did you put down for that?”

“Uh,” Ichigo says in response, still staring at the ceiling.

Then Rukia’s voice pipes up from behind them. “Good morning everyone! Morning Ori -ohhhhhhhh.” She trails off, shocked into speechlessness when Orihime turns around with a warm smile and a bounce in her step that makes her breasts jiggle. 

“Good morning Rukia-san,” Orihime says brightly, and Rukia has to forcefully tear her gaze from the generous display of Orihime’s breasts to look up at her friend.

“Wow,” Rukia says, “wow, you, uh, you look...” 

“Different,” Ichigo’s voice pipes up, and Rukia cranes her neck to look around Orihime. Ichigo’s leaning back in his seat, composed again, even though there’s still a hint of a flush creeping up his neck. He nods at Rukia. “Yo.”

“Different,” Rukia echoes slowly, looking at Ichigo with vague suspicion. She looks like she wants to say more, but then Orihime steps in-between them, cutting off their line of sight. 

“Thank you,” Orihime says to Rukia, and then turns back to Ichigo. “So, Kurosaki-kun, what was your answer to question 2?”

Ichigo shrugs. “Didn’t do it. I forgot about it, actually, so thanks for reminding me, Inoue.” He starts digging around in his bag for the offending piece of homework, and starts working through it quickly, head down and gaze focused. Orihime waits patiently by his desk on the guise of getting the answer, although the back of her neck starts to get hot from embarrassment. She’s well aware of what she looks like, hanging over his shoulder, trying to get his attention. She tries to tell herself that this is worth it, that he’s just overwhelmed by her.

Except that once he is done, Ichigo tells her brusquely, “it’s b,” then says to Rukia, “oie, midget,” and leans past Orihime and passes Rukia his paper. “Hurry up and copy this. I know you didn’t do the homework either.”

“I didn’t know we were assigned anything,” Rukia says, confused, taking his paper and glancing through it. She starts digging around in her bag.

“When do you even pay attention in class,” Ichigo says, rolling his eyes at her, and Rukia looks up long enough from the excavation of her bag just to scowl at him. Orihime can’t believe it. She’s standing _right in between them_ and they’re talking right past her as if she isn’t there.

“I pay attention! Or at least, I would, if they taught anything new.”

“A lot has changed in a thousand years, you know.”

“I- I’m not - _a_ _thousand_?! I’m not that old!” Rukia splutters, outraged, and glares at Ichigo, who just pulls a face at her like the mature fifteen year old that he is.

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“Well we already know you’re a fool, so that isn’t anything new! Ugh, how do you stand being around this rude, uncultured monkey, Orihime?”

_Happily_, is what Orihime doesn’t say. She laughs awkwardly instead. “I’m used to Kurosaki-kun,” she says, glancing at him shyly, only he’s not looking at either of them because their teacher has just walked in.

Rukia’s muttering under her breath, “a thousand, _I’ll kill him_,” and frantically copying off Ichigo’s paper, and neither of them are paying any attention as Orihime walks back to her seat unhappily.

Across the room, Yumi smirks and leans across the row. “Is that the best you’ve got,” he says quietly into Ikkaku’s ear. Ikkaku scowls and reaches up a hand to flick him away like he would to an annoying mosquito, but doesn’t say anything.

  


* * *

  


Except that the plan _isn’t_ a complete failure. They’re walking to the science lab when an upperclassman, Jun, stops Orihime in the corridors and asks her out. The other girls stop too, surprised, and Orihime smiles at her friends and waves at them to carry on. They giggle and whisper and shoot her curious glances, but walk on without her.

“So how about it,” Jun says. He’s popular, good-looking, and the captain of the basketball team. Orihime doesn’t know the first thing about him.

“Oh, er,” she says, flustered, because out of the corner of her eye she can see Ichigo walking up with Chad and they’re right behind her, and she doesn’t know whether to say yes and to try and make Ichigo jealous, or be honest and save herself from the trouble of a date that she won’t be interested in. After a brief internal struggle, honesty wins out. “Er, well- no thank you?”

Jun laughs. “You’re cute, Orihime-chan.” He leans forward, chucks her under the chin as if she’s five and not fifteen, and takes the chance to also peep down the front of her blouse. It’s such a smooth, quick look that Orihime can’t quite believe her eyes and isn’t quite sure that it happened. “I’ll pick you up on Friday at seven. How do you feel about burgers?”

Orihime’s taken aback. Jun’s so confident that she finds herself actually wondering if she accidentally agreed when she meant to refuse. “Oh, I- I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t like burgers? That’s silly, everyone likes burgers. I know a good place. You’ll like it, their burgers are huge and juicy. It’ll fill you up just right.” Jun continues smiling at her, but there’s a lecherous undertone to his words that sets her teeth on edge. 

That’s when Ichigo steps forward, face set in his trademark scowl. “She already said no. Twice. Are you deaf as well as dumb?”

Jun stares at him. “And who the hell are you? Do you have a death wish?”

“I’m her friend. Name’s Kurosaki Ichigo. Go memorise it if you want revenge. Now get lost,” Ichigo orders, crossing his arms. Jun’s eyes flicker from Ichigo to Chad standing behind him. Chad’s not doing anything other than standing there, but Jun nods slowly to himself.

“I’ll see you around, Kurosaki,” Jun says softly, then walks off coolly, his hands in his pockets. 

“I’m sure you will,” Ichigo mutters to himself darkly, watching Jun leave. Once Jun’s out of sight, he turns to Orihime, face serious. “Inoue, if he bothers you again, come and tell me, alright? I don’t like that guy.”

“Okay,” Orihime says dreamily. _Her hero_. She’s got stars in her eyes, and thinks wildly that Rangiku was right after all, _maximum impact_, and that she should never doubt Rangiku again. “I will.”

“We should get to class,” Chad the mood-killer says, and Orihime allows herself to be ushered along the corridor, gazing at Ichigo and smiling happily to herself.

Behind them, Renji and Ikkaku exchange high fives.

  


* * *

  


Then Toshiro finds out about what they’ve been up to. To be fair, it isn’t hard to guess when he walks in on them scheming in an empty classroom, just as Ikkaku says, “yes, but it’s _lace_. Can’t you work it in somehow? I know that would make Ichigo’s brain explode.”

“Do you want Orihime to look like a prostitute?” Rangiku says, exasperated.

“Don’t think prostitute,” Renji says, shaking his head, “that’s such a harsh word with negative connotations. Think consort. You know, all elegant and shit.”

“_What_?” Toshiro says from behind them. They all turn around to find him standing at the classroom door, staring at them through narrowed eyes.

“Uhh, hi Taicho,” Rangiku says innocently, even as her hands begin a nervous dance of fluttering up to smooth her hair, and then flying down to adjust her scarf. Ikkaku and Renji just stare at her while they all wait for her to come up with an excuse that would explain what he just overheard, because this is _her_ captain, and they’ll follow her lead on this.

Then Yumi decides to betray them all and hops off the teacher’s desk that he’s perched on and brightly declares that he’s not involved. “See you,” he trills to the rest, fluttering his fingers as he sashays out of the classroom. Ikkaku just shrugs when Renji and Rangiku glare at him, a _you-know-how-he-is_-_I-can’t-control-him_ shrug.

“What did Yumi mean ‘he’s not involved’,” Toshiro says, and he’s not angry; he hasn’t even shifted into his dangerous, threatening mode yet, but Rangiku crumples in the face of her captain’s suspicions and immediately confesses everything. Ikkaku can’t believe it. He’s surrounded by useless people who fold faster than a lawn chair in an interrogation. Absolutely useless! 

He holds back a sigh when Toshiro starts yelling at the three of them. He mentally checks out, making sure to nod along and look contrite at the appropriate moments, and the occasional snippet filters through: “This is not what we came for!” and “We have far more serious things to worry about!” and “Are you teaching my Lieutenant how to become a mamasan? And having her pimp out an _underaged minor_?” This last one is directed at Ikkaku, who breaks off from his daydream in pure indignation. He can take a scolding and a beating, but he won’t have people thinking that he’s a dirty old pervert.

“Rangiku don’t need to be taught that,” Ikkaku says huffily, “she came up with that whole top two buttons unbuttoned shit herself! Hell, that’s her _usual attire_!”

Toshiro wheels around to stare at Rangiku, who avoids her captain’s eyes in favour of glaring at Ikkaku. “Traitor,” she tells Ikkaku in a bitter undertone, right before Toshiro begins a fresh round of yelling. Ikkaku just smirks, because this time the yelling’s directed solely at her. 

Toshiro ends his tirade with, “I will not have this.” He states this with firm certainty, as if that’s the end of the matter, and Rangiku nods along as if it is. 

“Yes taichou,” she says, “you’re right. We’ll just abandon Orihime, our host, who has graciously offered us food and lodging, and tell her that despite her kindness to us, we are too busy to give advice of any kind.”

Ikkaku blinks at Rangiku with fresh respect, because this is a whole new level of sass that he never expected from her. It’s the kind of sass that he knows Shunsui gets on a regular basis from Nanao, but he’s pretty sure Toshiro has never encountered this before either, judging by the stunned look on his face. 

But Rangiku’s not done. “What’s the harm in helping the girl out? She’s been so kind to us, and we still owe her a debt for helping expose Aizen. At least let us try to repay her with this - it’s something that’s within our power to give, it costs us nothing, it’s entertaining, and heaven knows we could use a morale booster. Is it really so terrible to try and help a friend?”

Rangiku’s gone in straight for the kill. There’s a long moment of silence, during which Ikkaku wonders whether Toshiro’s going to write the three of them up for insubordination and have them thrown in jail. He and Renji exchange dark looks, and he knows Renji’s thinking the same thing too.

Then Toshiro says, very unhappily, “Do this on your own time. I won’t have this interfering with missions.”

“Yes taichou,” Rangiku says, looking at them with a smug look on her face, and Ikkaku is gobsmacked. Seriously, he’s going to have to start taking lessons from her.

“_And not a word to old man Yamamoto_.”

“That goes without saying,” Renji says, then hurriedly adds, “Hitsugaya taichou,” when Toshiro looks at him, one eyebrow raised. They all wait for Toshiro to leave so they can go back to scheming, except that Toshiro doesn’t, and sits down instead. 

“Alright,” he says grumpily, “so what have you tried so far?”

“Er,” Ikkaku says. Getting Rangiku’s boy-captain involved was not what he had in mind, because Toshiro’s a bit of a buzzkill, to say the least. Also, he isn’t quite sure he wants a captain knowing what he’s been scheming- although that one’s a little bit too late to take back now.

Rangiku elaborates without any hesitation. “Just helping Orihime with her makeup and her erm, dressing.”

A look of sudden realisation crosses Toshiro’s face. “Oh, is that why she’s been looking so strange lately?”

“Strange?” They all say, puzzled.

“Yeah. You don’t think so? She didn’t look like herself at all.”

“Erm taichou, that’s kind of what makeup does.”

Toshiro snorts. “Well, if that’s the extent of your plans, then no wonder you haven’t gotten anywhere.” There’s a short silence, and Renji and Ikkaku look at each other. Toshiro catches their exchange and shakes his head, then gets up. “Right, this is boring and you’re all hopeless. I’m heading off. See you back at Orihime’s.”

He walks out, whistling cheerily, and they look at each other silently. Finally Rangiku says, “taichou’s right. We’ve got to come up with a better plan than just turning Orihime into a baby prostitute.”

“Good job on that by the way, but that wasn’t our only plan,” Ikkaku says. “We also paid that guy to hit on Orihime in front of Ichigo today, and look at how well that turned out!”

“_What?_” Rangiku says, shocked, and Renji punches Ikkaku on the arm, muttering, “you idiot, that was our secret.”

Ikkaku punches Renji back, _hard_, because Yumi lectured him once about giving and taking, and how he should give a lot more than he takes. He’s pretty sure that Yumi wasn’t talking about fighting, but since he wasn’t paying any attention at all, it’s pretty much all the same to him. Renji winces, and Ikkaku smiles in satisfaction. Hah. He can’t wait to tell Yumi about what a good giver he was.

“Oh yeah,” Ikkaku says, “we found the same guy that Yumi paid to hit on Rukia, and paid him to hit on Orihime too. Had to pay him double though, after Rukia threatened to break his hand. Hazard pay, he said. Kinda hard to argue with that.”

Rangiku’s jaw drops. “Yumi did _what_?”

“Oh, what, you think just cause he’s pretty and shit that he ain’t smart and sneaky too?” Ikkaku says. “You gotta be sneaky as hell to be in the Eleventh, okay?” Renji nods along in agreement. He would know, he was formerly part of them once.

“But how did you-?”

“Yumi ain’t as sneaky as he thinks he is.” Ikkaku says mysteriously, and conveniently leaves out the fact that he was actually spying on his partner to come up with ideas, because some secrets should be taken to the grave.

“And we learnt from Yumi’s mistakes,” Renji says. “We told the kid the time and place to be at, and even fed him the lines to say. All perfectly calculated to spur Ichigo into action.” 

“Yeah,” Ikkaku says. “Yumi’s mistakes are our good fortune.” Ikkaku also doesn’t tell them that he deliberately sabotaged Yumi’s plans and paid Jun extra to hit on Rukia when no one was around to witness it, because Yumi is a petty bastard who exacts revenge. 

“And here I thought the Eleventh was full of thugs.” Rangiku marvels. “Turns out you’re sneaky thugs.”

“But don’t tell anyone,” Ikkaku says. “Ruins our reputation. It’s easier when everyone underestimates us.”

Rangiku can’t help herself, and snorts ungracefully. “Alright. Well, what else do you have up your sleeve?”

“That was pretty much it,” Ikkaku admits. Normally it was Yumi who did all the thinking and he who did all the heavy lifting, so unless he spies on Yumi again, he’s out of ideas. 

Then Renji says slowly, “well, I may have an idea...”

Three heads lean in conspiratorially. 


End file.
